Once again, I am drawn to the music of Sting's Fields of Gold. Yet, instead of walking through my history, I see it applying to my own life. I become history.

I don't know my end. Is it this week? Next? Later this month? Or will I push well beyond October 9, 2044?

But, has that ever changed? I have never had a zone where I was invulnerable. I am misled by the assumption that since I possess existence ever since I knew what existence was, I will continue to exist. Why would I expect anything else ceteris paribus?

New information gave me greater insight, but has life changed since that Friday three weeks before when my biggest problem in life was flipping a rock up with my weedwacker that led to a cascade of safety glass from a sliding door?

Mortality was the same on that day as it was in the next day's heart attack aftermath. But, the information wasn't. In the days that followed, the information disparity grew. I have increasingly become sensitive by added information, not the situation itself. My song remains the same.

We go through life in blissful ignorance; we do not have the information. To fill that empty bucket, we pour drinks like politics and societal esteem that have no value.

My Aligned Perspective

I have been fortunate. For a limited time, I have a keen sense of my mortal existence. I have always wondered how I would respond in a time like this. Yes, theoretically, I emphatically declared a level-headed devotion to God—even thanksgiving! That said, how would I actually respond? Think Psalm 100, a passage I read to my family just minutes after my Dad had passed before our eyes:

Make a joyful noise to the LORD, all the earth!
Serve the LORD with gladness!
Come into his presence with singing!

Know that the LORD, he is God!
It is he who made us, and we are his;
we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture.

Enter his gates with thanksgiving,
and his courts with praise!
Give thanks to him; bless his name!

For the LORD is good;
his steadfast love endures forever,
and his faithfulness to all generations.

Psalm 100 (ESV)

Truly, I roar 1 Corinthians 15:55:

O death, where is your victory?
O death, where is your sting?

One thing I can tell you, my friend, I will stay the course and keep the faith.

John MacArthur, Fellow Heart Patient

John MacArthur is afflicted with a similar thorn as myself, albeit in the context of a 39 years older body. Of all the preachers I have read and/or listened to over the radio, podcast, and in person, MacArthur has been my favorite. In this session, it breaks my heart to see entropy overtaking him, but it thrills me that his spirit is strong and his desire to work is unimpeded:

2 weeks ago: John MacArthur | TMS Chapel | Q&A

I also enjoyed his interview with the highly intelligent Ben Shapiro, an orthodox Jew. I like Ben's politics (even his WWII knowledge surprises me), but also appreciate his ability to interview, like the one he did with the brilliant Voddie Baucham, who now is a dean of a university in Zambia.

2 months ago: interview with Ben Shapiro Ancient Truths vs. Woke Religion

And while this conference was years ago, John MacArthur's witty and truthful message about an exceedingly difficult topic rings just as true today as it did then. His reference to the Spanish flu is exceedingly timely to our age:

16 years ago (2008): speaker at a Ligonier conference Why Does God Allow So Much Suffering and Evil?

Studying the Playbook

One way or another in September, God is gonna revel more of Himself to me, whether face-to-face or in His word. My studies have been spotty. There have been times I have enriched myself daily with His word...and then there have been times in the desert where I give a passing nod.

I recently spoke with a buddy of mine who shared about his daily study streak that is now going on beyond 3 years. That's something I want for my life.

I want to be that guy again who hauled the weight of his Bible across Europe, who read it while he was alone with no place to sleep on that Belfast night. That guy sat on a concrete floor to listen to a circle of Italians worshipping God, voices and an acoustic guitar echoing across a near-empty Torino train station in a summer evening. Only later, that guy would delight in discovering a hotel to shelter for the rest of that Italian night.

Now What?

I have full confidence that my own end of days has been chiseled out before I was born. From my perspective, chances are, I'll live beyond September.

I have been reading Stay off My Operating Table: A Heart Surgeon's Metabolic Health Guide to Lose Weight, Prevent Disease, and Feel Your Best Every Day by Philip Ovadia, MD. I was delighted that Kelly Hogan had an interview with him a year ago:

13-year Carnivore Cardiac Results: Long-Term Effects of an ALL Meat Diet w/ Kelly Hogan & Dr. Ovadia

After watching it, I am encouraged! It highlights to me that carnivore is my lifelong application. And this approach has served me well, obliterating the family inheritance of diabetes and shredding 140+ lbs (and counting) of excess weight.

My ketones this morning are rising now to 1.9, closer to my pre-hospital 3.8 average. My glucose at 87 is in the neighborhood of my 77 average. Things got a little wonky after water fasting for nearly 7 days in context to the trial-and-error dumping of medications into my body.

The video does make me question whether I ought to be on this statin: yes, my LDL is high, but my triglycerides are normal.

I really don't have a problem with LDL—why would my body actively produce this if I didn't need it? LDL's specific function is to repair the body. Aren't we shooting the firemen responding to a fire? Now, as to what is causing the fire...how did sugar break down my arteries?

I found this paper to be of interest that downplays LDL's role: The Mainstream Hypothesis That LDL Cholesterol Drives Atherosclerosis May Have Been Falsified by Non-invasive Imaging of Coronary Artery Plaque Burden and Progression

In case you don't want to power through the article, let ChatGPT do the heavy lifting:

• The belief that LDL cholesterol drives atherosclerosis is widely accepted but may be flawed.

• Most studies focus on heart disease events (like heart attacks) rather than the progression of silent atherosclerosis.

• Non-invasive imaging techniques show little to no correlation between LDL levels and coronary plaque burden or progression.

• This evidence challenges the use of LDL cholesterol as a primary marker for heart disease risk, especially in asymptomatic individuals.

• If LDL is not a key factor in plaque development, current heart disease prevention strategies that focus on lowering LDL may need to be reconsidered.

I found this visual representation to be telling of a 2021 study, Association of Lipid, Inflammatory, and Metabolic Biomarkers With Age at Onset for Incident Coronary Heart Disease in Women.

My takeaways?

1. 40+ years of unmitigated sugars in the context of a government that hammers home a diet of 65% sugar just may have wrecked me.

2. Carnivore's annihilating sugar from my life and its taking a person's worth of weight off of me has saved my life.

3. If we as a species absolutely require fat and protein only—carbs optional—and our ancient elders harvested that from animal sources through team communication, why do today's government and industry interests promote that carbs trump all? What's really going on here? And I peer from beneath the hospital sheets and uncover a dreadful sight: that slab of margarine atop that pack of Domino Sugar from the cryptkeeper's ghastly galley.

And hey, carnivore just makes me feel ALIVE! Isn't that a good enough of a reason?

Deep into this night, '90s One-Hit Wonders ride along with me. More specifically, Semisonic rings out Closing Time, the groove I played to kick folks out at midnight back during my barista gig.

I feel young; I feel vibrant.

Is it because it was the first day back with...

...a systolic blood pressure above 130?
...a diet of 200g fat, 70g protein, 1g net carb?
...something as simple as my iced butter coffee?

If you could only see
How blue her eyes can be
When she says
When she says she loves me

Tonic, If You Could Only See (1996)

I don't know what caused it, but it was the first day back to where my family said I was "me" again. It was the first night I did not have to steal sleep with my meditation wizardry.

It was delightful!

How it contrasted with the night prior! Back then, I felt as though I stood at the threshold of death, being mindful of my body's location for discovery in the morning.

And while there remains a series of challenges before me, I am back in this familiar cockpit, flipping the switches and hammering the gauges, thrilled to hear the leveled whine of the jet engine as I rundown my checklist.

The End of an Era

After a six-year run, a total of 40 iterations, I am ending The Expeditions. For better or for worse, this is a new era for me. These days, I weigh myself every day for water gains; I've lost the mystique of the past. These days, my weight is determined more by a cocktail of drugs than by my own planning and iron will.

In very real terms, after they take a bonesaw to my sternum, I will have little incentive to achieve arm sizes.

Thus, I pulled down my Fit page and all the wonderful history therein. In like fashion, I took down my Goals. Those have been wiped out from me, something I grieved the other day. There is no path to victory to think I could even run a single 5K in 2024.

Maybe one day, I can achieve the golden ratio with a scarred-up torso—I dream. But in these days, the goal is to stay alive. No longer do I think of October 9, 2044, the day to outlive my dad. The day to reach is tomorrow.

And on this day...I am ALIVE!

Said I was in my early 40's
With a lot of life before me
When a moment came that stopped me on a dime
I spent most of the next days, lookin' at the x-rays
Talkin' 'bout the options and talkin' 'bout sweet time
Asked him when it sank in
That this might really be the real end
How's it hit ya, when you get that kind of news
Man what ya do
And he says

I went sky divin'
I went Rocky Mountain climbin'
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fu Manchu
And I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I've been denying

Tim McGraw, Live Like You Were Dying (2004)